Scream of consciousness

-

Fuck you for all the things you ever made me think.
Fuck you for thinking I wanted to think that I caved in, 

Fuck you for not trying. 
For not waiting, and for lying. 

For cheating, and for breathing. 
For leaving, 
And for being. 

I wish you’d just give up trying to do what you do best. 
You test me, 
And bend me,
So far that no one can mend me. 

You play the same game played for decades
But somehow you make me want to make myself stay.
Fuck you for thinking you’ve got control,
That’s the one thing to me that you owe. 

Fuck you for trying to break me,
Take me,
For pretending to want to save me. 

Fuck you for staring when you don’t care and,
Fuck you for trying to rid me of my secrets
So you can keep them.

Fuck you for trying to take everything that I have
Because you know that it’s that bad, 

And that I’d tell you, 
Because I left you because in some ways you left me too.

Are you listening?
Attraction to intelligence
Is irrelevant
After
This
Self-negligence

I'm ashamed of you. I'm ashamed of me with you.

Are you listening?
Fuck you for thinking that you’re special to me,
For manipulating,

For pulling at my sleeves,
For tearing my seams. 
Fuck you for getting near my face when you know that you’re done. 
Fuck you for assimilating my name to fun. 

And fuck you for fucking over love when you do find it,

Fuck you, because I know you will.

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